While reading BBC News online, I came across the article about the stepmother who wrote a "manner's" email to her future daughter-in-law. The full email is here.
http://news.sky.com/skynews/
The future daughter-in-law sent to some friends over email and it got on the internet and is now being read and shared on all sorts of news mediums. LOL- I bet the stepmother is FUMING!
I personally stand in the middle of the debate on who is right in this situation. I think the mother-in-law's email is extremely nasty, but at the same time she referenced past occurrences so maybe she has been provoked. Plus some of the points she brings up are obvious and it is shocking that anyone over the age of ten wouldn't know better. Like the parts about not helping yourself to seconds and not starting before others. We teach that to five your olds.And the part about lowering her sights and having a modest wedding. So many girls feel so entitled these days and for what? A wedding is only one night and while it is a night to remember, then the money might be better spent towards a house or honeymoon. Then again, if the guy is loaded...
I also think that it was bad on the part of the daughter-in-law to let it go online. I mean, the email is shocking and funny, but doesn't she think of her fiance? How does he feel about this. I talk about people behind their back just as much as the next person, but I wouldn't put something online for all of the world to gawk at- the internet is forever. At the same time the email is unbelievable and too good to be true. Especially the parts about food when it is later mentioned that the girl has diabetes. That shouldn't dictate when she starts and stops eating, but saying that there are things she won't be eating and needing more food should be fair game and the mother-in-law is being a female dog by criticizing her on it.
But anyway, what I really want to comment on is the fact that this made me think about what Motoaki's mom must think about my manners and what my mom thought about Motoaki's manners. One thing that was an absolute fact about my mother was that she was a lady. I mean, she wasn't uptight- she would wear jeans and stuff and serve chili at holiday parties- but she definitely taught us etiquette.
As I have made my way into the world I have often been a little shocked by others lack of manners and I always think about what my mom would say. she could be a little unforgiving at times of others lack of upbringing and would comment on it years after the fact, having the offence forever etched in her mind. One of her favorite movies was Serial Mom about a mother who kills other people who commit minor offences like not rewinding their tape before returning it to the video store or wearing white shoes after labor day.
It could sometimes be impossible when it came to convincing my mother that things were different and it wasn't the end of the world if we changed a few rules. Like how it wasn't the end of the world if I didn't wear hose with a skirt or if I went to prom without a date. As a child it could be really annoying but as an adult I am glad that my mom raised us to be aware of what is acceptable behavior. I have gotten comments on it at work or when I have been a guest with someone. I think I get along well in Japan because I had that rigorous training.
With Motoaki's mom it is a whole other ball game because of the cultural difference and the language barrier. After all, here you are supposed to slurp the soup. Part of the problem is that she is fairly nice but very quiet. I never know what she is really thinking and whether or not she approves. Not that I need her approval, but I do want her to be proud (and more importantly, I do want to be able to teach my children what is acceptable in both cultures). Like the time I wore the white shirt to her mother's memorial service. Motoaki said it wasn't a big deal and that no one cared, but really? If the roles had been reversed I think my own mother would have minded (and rightly so).
I also worry about her thinking that I am spoiled. Motoaki is the type that works too hard sometimes in making me happy and asks for nothing in return. I sometimes wonder if I am asking for too much and he just doesn't say anything. He is not a pushover but is extremely easy going and doesn't get worked up over things.
For example, when looking for houses I expressed that my priorities were somewhere that a) had a yard, b) was close to a good school, and c) had an upstairs. We found a house that has all three and yet when we took her to look at it, she seemed a little displeased. Later I heard her mentioning that she thought that Motoaki's aunts house (which we were maybe going to buy but got tired of waiting for) was nice and a real fixer-upper. But I said that I didn't like the school it is closest too. The school is nice, but it is overcrowded and they have up to 40 kids in one classroom. I worry that a child could easily get ignored, bullied, or left behind in that situation. Especially considering that the child is going to be a mixed-culture child. The house we looked at is near a school with only 100 kids in the whole building. AKA plenty of attention from teachers and an "everybody plays with everybody for lack of options" feel to it. But am I being too demanding? Motoaki says we are fine money wise (we haven't touched the money we got from our wedding and we each save every month), but is it bad manners in Japan to get something you might not necessarily need? After all, the four bedrooms will be great for kids and guests, but other families in Japan get by on two. Motoaki's family got by on three but that was with two kids and grandma in the house.
It might be silly for me to think like this, but just as my mother came from a different generation where girls wore skirts and made hand-written invitations for even small parties, Motoaki's mom is also from another generation. When she was a young woman she was in an arranged marriage (it is actually common among women her age) and I know that she had little choice as to where she lived or how the house was. She moved in with her in-laws and no doubt had to do everything her mother-in-law told her. Of course, times have changed and she has changed with them. She understands that "kids do it differently these days." But to her I must seem like a really BIG change from what she new.
I guess what I want to say that, as bad as the email from the mother-in-law was (and as bad as it might get- I would think the media storm might be an engagement breaker), it is nice to have it out in the open. Not that I think Motoaki's mom would be so harsh on me. But it might be nice if I knew what she was thinking and if I knew that any faux pas I was committing were something, "any five year old knows."
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