Japanese Baptism

So it wasn't really a baptism in the sense that we think of one, but we took Robin to a temple to get her blessed.  Motoaki's grandfather was a Shinto priest and so part of Motoaki's parents house is a temple.  But people don't really practice there anymore (except for a few old people) so we went to the headquarters of their specific brand of Shintoism just outside of Kurashiki (for those of you have visited me, it is the town with the mall and the button rings) in Tamashima.

I didn't know what to expect other than the fact that Robin was going to be wearing a Christianing gown and a kimono that her grandmother had bought her.  Apparently the kimono was around $2000 and was the most expensive one at the place she went to (according to Grandpa).  Can we say spoiled?  It is quite beautiful.  Not the colors that I would have chosen, but seeing as I didn't buy it, I didn't say anything.  It seems like a lot for a baby but she will wear it again for her 3 year old blessing/ceremony.  You can read more about that here on wiki  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shichi-Go-San

We got to the temple and it was actually quite a big building.  It looked more like a school rather than the temples I am used to.  There was a traditional temple next to the large, gym-like structure we were entering which I guess is the original structure on the complex.  This was nice as it meant that it was actually going to be warm inside.  However, it made me mad since I had gone for weather instead of fashion with my clothing choice and seeing as how I am in between sizes these days, I didn't look too hot.  I had on work pants and a blouse I got forever ago at Khols.  If I had known it was going to be in a big building I would have worn one of the dresses I had worn to me brothers wedding with a cardigan.

We entered first into a basement and changed Robin in a tatami room that looks like it is used for receptions.  I had put her in a sleeper for the car ride since, no matter how much I trust cloth diapers, there is always that fear of exploding poo.  It quickly became "Grandma's Day" which is fine.  I am not super possessive of Robin and am willing to share her, especially for something that I don't really care deeply about.  Not saying that I don't care or respect Motoaki's families traditions, but it is not something I have ever done before so it doesn't mean as much to me.  So anyway I let her dress Robin.  Even when the hat didn't fit and she kept retying and retying it (whereas I would have just taken it off) I let it be.  Luckily Robin was pretty chill and didn't get fussy about it.

I had actually been mistaken about the kimono.  Robin didn't wear it, I did, blanket style over Robin while holding her.  This wasn't a big deal but it did mean that I was more "up front and center" and it also meant that I wasn't going to be able to step back and take pictures.  Not a big deal but Motoaki isn't familiar with my camera and accidentally messed up the settings, resulting in most of the shots being a bit blurry.

After we had finished dressing her we went upstairs to a big open room where people were praying.  We then went to a corner and asked for the blessing from a priest who was doing this for several people.  The whole thing lasted almost all of ten minutes.  No big deal but I felt bad as MIL had spent so much on clothing.  I had expected there to be more but didn't mind it being short since Robin is still small and can get fussy out of nowhere.

After leaving the big room I assumed we would be packing up and heading for home, possibly stopping for lunch.  I went to change Robin out of her stuff but the PIL told me to wait since we were going to be going for a photo shoot.  Now I got a little upset about this because I hadn't been told about it.  I don't mind pictures but I do mind when I am wearing crappy clothing and didn't really do anything as far as make-up or jewelry.

It was actually interesting because the photo shoot was done at a really old photo shop/studio.  The kind that Motoaki probably got his photo taken in back in 1975.  The photographer had to have been in his 70s and his only assistant was his wife, also quite old.  Still, they did a great job of getting Robin, a 6 week old, to focus and the photo that I have seen so far was great.  I say the photo I have seen so far because I only saw one- a passport photo for her Japanese photo.  That is actually for a whole other post.  Let's just say that even the professional photo was rejected by the super strict city hall.

Anyway, I was upset that I looked crappy for photos that will no doubt be sent to all of the relatives and be put on show in the living room for decades to come, but overall it was a good day.  We ended it by swinging into AEON Kurashiki (the big mall) for  Starbucks (Grandpa stayed in the car with a sleeping Robin) making it a GREAT day!  However, I am still looking forward to the Christian baptism that I am planning on having in March when I am in America.

Robin: 1 Month

So this is late (and already on Facebook) but I want to add it to the blog so I can keep it for the future.  I also realized that I never added to her birth story that her middle name is Nagisa (凪沙) which means calm waters.

I stole these two ideas from two blogs that I love (or loved- I think both ladies are taking a break these days).  The first picture I stole from Umebossy and it is simply Robin witha  paper staing her age and the date (she turned on month on Jan. 2nd).

The second I got from Nay at Chasing Happiness in Japan.  She takes a picture each month of her baby with the same teddy bear so that you can see the baby grow.  We got this lovely Harrods Bear from Grandma Fujiwara and he is perfect for the job.  I named him Phillip and he is quite lovely.

Anyway, I am not sure what the "one month milestones" are (I just downloaded a baby book to my kindle on Friday) so I am not sure if Robin has met them, but I will say what I do know.

-Right now at one month she is pretty good at holding her head up while being held or when placed on my chest.  I've never timed it or anything.  We have been extremely lazy with tummy time (partially because our floor is horrible right now and partially because of all the holiday stuff) but this week I am going to get on that so hopefully we will see exactly what that little body can do.

-She is pretty much exclusively eating formula at this point and is up to about 3 ounces every 3 hours, though sometimes she eats almost every hour (growth spurt days).  We are going to her one month check in on the 7th and hopefully her weight is fine.  Motoaki said that sometimes they put babies on diets here if they are being overfed...

-She sleeps from about 11-3 and then from about 3:30-7.  This is actually pretty good.  Though I know this could change at any day, it is nice to have her somewhat on a schedule.  It can be a little tiring but it's better that we know what to expect.  She is starting to be more and more alert during the day and will sometimes stay awake for up two hours and a half at a time.

-She is barely fitting into newborn clothing but that is partially due to her fluffy butt (slang for cloth diapers).  She lives in 0-3 month footed pjs, but the legs are slightly too long.

-Cloth diapering is going well so far.  We had some leaks in the first few days but that was because the pocket diapers were too big for her legs (pee would come out the leg holes) and she was too heavy of a wetter for the nb all in ones (cheapy THX- I think those would have worked if we would have used them the first week rather than waiting until the third week).   But her fitteds and covers are working marvelously.  Since she has gained a bit of weight, though, I think I will try pockets again this week as well as some BG all in ones I ordered.   I know that might be confusing for the non-cloth diaperer.  I'm really excited it has been working so well.

Her first CD- a THX.

Second CD- another THX (her pretty one).  Unfortunately these only lasted about an hour...

A BG Flip Cover with an Ashar fitted underneath.  These things rock.  No leaks and she doesn't really notice when she is wet, only when she poos.

Books...

So it's been awhile and it is not Wednesday but I thought I would mention a few books I have been reading.

I

I was reading The Lost and Forgotten Languages of Shanghai right up until my due date and unfortunately I haven't finished it just yet.  I was stupid not to take it to the hospital with me. Again, this was a book that I picked up on the bargain table at Barnes & Noble and didn't really think about it apart from the fact that it was cheap.  I was so lucky to pick it up because it is amazing.  

It tells the story of a man in Shanghai who is caught in an explosion at a hotel.  When he wakes up he can no longer speak Chinese.  He can read it and understand it, but he can't say it or write it.  However, he can speak some English due to the fact that he spent his childhood in the states.

Obviously this is a problem as his wife and son are Chinese.  The same with his company.  His family, desperate to cure him, hire a young female Dr from the states to work with him.  However, rather than regain his Chinese, his English becomes stronger which creates tension between all of the characters.  A lot of people have given it bad reviews due to the melodramatic love story in the book, but I enjoyed it and am fascinated by the whole bilingual aspect and the expat aspect.

 

Mister Pip is a book that a friend gave to me to read when I first started maternity leave.  Again, a great find that I might have missed (there are just too many good books in this world).

It tells the story of a young girl living on an island and the only white man on that island, Mr. Watts.  Mr. Watts becomes the school teacher and he teaches the class of students by reading them Great Expectations.  Though it is a struggle due to the fact that the island children have never heard about 70% of the words in the book (nor do they have any real concept of England), the students soon become captivated by the story.

Meanwhile in the background there is a civil war going on and the small village that started out as a sort of paradise soon faces the reality of violence and oppression.  Still, the children have Great Expectations as a distraction.

Though I have read Great Expectations several times, this book made me want to read it again as the story is intertwined into this novel.  But even if you know nothing of the Dickens novel, I think this book is still a good read.  The main character is a young female, but I think men and women would find this book fascinating.  Though it would make a great high school book, I think parts might be too violent for some younger audiences.

Our November book for book club was The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time.  This was a book that I had read before but long ago (maybe in university...) so I didn't remember much other than a few key points.  The book is about a young autistic boy investigating the murder of a dog (my hero- the boy, not the dog) and how in doing so he uncovers all sorts of secrets about his family and neighborhood.  The story might not be the most fantastic but the style of writing is really great as the author tries really hard (and succeeds at) putting us in the mind of an autistic person.  At one point I was dreaming about math equations (and my inability to do them) as a result of the way the young man thinks.  This is a great read and also a quick read (I think I read it in a day and a half at work), especially good for travel.

Our December book for book club was Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.  I had read this book before (and had it already in my library) but didn't remember it as it isn't my favorite David Sedaris book (I can read Me Talk Pretty One Day over and over).  And because Robin was born and I wasn't sure I would make it to the meeting, I didn't actually finish it this time around.  But then again, David Sedaris is funny and he writes family so well so it is still worth a read.  It is also a good book for travel as the stories are short and easily picked up and set down (actually, I always take short story books when I travel as back up).

In this book I especially liked the story, "Let It Snow," when their mother locks David and his sisters outside during a snow storm.  She is used to having the house to herself during the day and can't handle having them home due to the snow.  To get their mom's attention the older kids try to convince their youngest sister to lie down in the middle of the road and get hit by a car.  It sounds horrible and sick and twisted, but Sedaris makes it endearing (as he always does).  It makes me think of my family (especially my mother's side) and how we aren't that weird (horrible/sick/twisted) after all.

My middle child, Tom

Tom is another guy that got overlooked this year as he came at a busy time.  Also, we didn't write/talk about him for awhile because we thought people would judge us for getting a new dog so slow close to my due date. 

Actually in September we came close to buying a little dog that was on sale but changed our minds because we thought it would be too much with the baby.  And then when we kind of changed our minds back and wanted to buy it, we looked online but the dog had been sold.  It was a maltese/dachund mix that was adorable and would have been a good size, but we weren't terribly crushed when it was sold.  Anyway, while looking online to see if the dog was still available we saw that there were four cairn terriers in Osaka.  A female for $1800 and three males for $1400.  That was definitely too much money, but we decided to check now and then in case the price went down.  At the beginning of October  the female was gone but the males were down to $1200.  Then $800.  Again, I was just looking.  My family had cairns almost my whole life and they are great dogs.  I never thought I would find one in Japan but here they were.  At the same time, it was mostly just dreaming on my part.

Then one Saturday Motoaki and I were on our way to Osaka to go to Costco and a big electronics store and I thought I would just check.  There was a male left and he was down to $400.  Since the store is close to Costco and since we needed dog food for Finn anyway, we thought we would go look.  We got there and he was asleep so we looked at some of the other dogs.  Motoaki asked if I wanted to get the cairn out of the cage, but I said we needed to think about it.  Motoaki was like, we wouldn't have come if we didn't think we were getting a dog.  This surprised me as I thought I was the only one who had been thinking about him.

Of course you can't hold a puppy and then say no.  Well, maybe some people can, but I can't.  So we got Tom Sawyer, a 5 month old cairn terrier.   We realized that this was a little dumb and that we were probably taking on too much.  But, he came potty trained for the pee sheet/litter box thing they have in Japan like Finn.  And living in the pet store he was crate trained as well.

Finn started out being absolutely terrified of Tom which was quite funny since Finn probably has 10 or 12 pounds on him.  We thought Finn would be growling and chasing him , but it was the opposite.  Tom wasn't growling at Finn at first but he wanted to play with him and so he followed Finn, but Finn would run away.  For the first week it stayed like this.  Then they started wrestling the second week.  By the third week they were full on playing together.  They still get angry at each other and can be competetive with food/toys/treats, but for the most part they get along.

Motoaki always says that Finn has a glass heart, and it's true.  He gets nervous easily and though he will kind of put up  a fight with Tom, he usually backs down pretty easily.  He likes to cuddle and gets upset if you leave him alone in a room.  As a puppy he was afraid of everything and it took him forever to get up the courage to jump up and down from furniture or to walk too far ahead of us on the leash.

Tom couldn't be more different.  He is very scrappy and couragous and was never really afraid of anything in the house.  He is actually pretty good with keeping himself occupied.  You can leave him in a room or in his cage with some chew toys and he will play happily for hours.  Unfortunately Finn always interupts this play.  He is pretty good at controlling his pee but does have a bad habit of chewing on things like the carpet or wires.  He doesn't really seem to notice Robin yet (while Finn loves to sniff her and will try to lick her head when I feed her).  I feel bad as he sometimes gets looked over when we are taking care of Robin's needs, but he doesn't seem to notice.  And I justify it (somewhat) by thinking that if we didn't have Robin I would be at work all day anyway.

I'm glad we got Tom as he definitely keeps Finn occupied.  And he is very sweet with me (Motoaki prefers Finn since he is easier to train).  I can't wait for two years to pass when all three of my babies are old enough to play together.  I can just imagine the three of them chasing each other in our big hallway or going for long walks.  I am so excited for Robin to have playmates in the dogs, and the same for Finn.  Even though he sometimes gets a little upset that I am paying attention to the other two, he also seems to be less bored than he was with Motoaki and I.

My Dad

So as you may have seen in my previous post that my dad passed away in November.  I figure I owe him more than just a blurb in a review of the year.  He was 62 years old and they found him sitting in the basement of one of our rental properties.  We never got an autopsy but they think it could have been a stroke, heart attack, or complications from the insulin he had just started taking for diabeties.  He looked peaceful and so we can pretty much say that he didn't suffer.  In some ways it is comforting to know that he is with my mom now (who passed away in March of 2011).  Whether you believe in that kind of thing or not, it is nice to think about.  They had met in JHS and started dating in high school.  They married their Jr year of college and were pretty much inseparable until she died.

On the other hand it wasn't a comfort to know that he was alone.  To know that over the past year he had a somewhat strained relationship with us kids due to his choice to get engaged to a woman none of us really knew.  For me personally we were on good terms at the moment but had been up and down over the past year.  I had never really fought with my dad until all of this came about.  Sure, he had been mad at me before (and I at him) but usually over things like slamming the doors too hard or forgetting to change the oil in my car.  In our house dad was always the peacekeeper and it was mom we were at war with.  Well, at least for my sister and me.  It was hard to know that I never truly said that I was sorry and that I wouldn't get the chance to say it.

It was even more of a blow to not be at his funeral.  I was able to watch part of it via an internet connection but not all of it.  I am sure my dad understood but it still made me feel bad.  It made me feel worse that only hymns were sung at his service.  Not that I blame anyone who set up the order of events (that is never easy and this is the second time I hadn't really been able to help- I made it back for my mother's service the day before so while I had made suggestions, I hadn't done any of the leg work).  It's just that, if you knew my dad, then you knew that one thing he loved more than anything else was to sing along to the radio.  Actually, he and my mom both were big fans of pretty much singing non-stop (unfortunately for Morgan, Motoaki, and David this is something my siblings and I have inherited).  They both loved musicals and "oldies" the best and on Saturdays dad would be in "the back room" singing along to the radio or his record player while mom would be in the kitchen singing along to the TV.  I sent home suggestions for the service but none of them really worked as he liked sentimental love stuff best, such as The Lovin Spoonful's "Do You Believe in Magic," or The Fleetwoods "Mr. Blue."  We thought about some stuff from Camelot, but his "fiance" turned it down...

On the other hand, we know that dad was happy with where his children were at in their lives.  He had a ticket booked to come see Robin, his first grandchild, and was happy to know that my brother and his wife are expecting in July.  He was also relieved to see my sister settled with a stable guy and didn't have to worry now that pretty much all three of his kids had houses and incomes.




I am thankful that I did get the chance to travel with him this summer to DC and NYC.  It sounds bad but we were really lucky that my sister, brother, and dad's fiance didn't come along.  It would have been great to have them, but it also would have meant that my dad and I would have talked less, and that Motoaki and my dad wouldn't have talked as much.  As social as my dad was, he could be kind of quiet and if someone else had been there, he probably wouldn't have joined in on the conversation.  I see that in Motoaki and that is one reason why we work so well.

It sounds weird, considering my husband is a Japanese social worker/surfer, but I do see a lot of my dad in him.  They say that you marry your father and I think I did in some odd way.  Motoaki is a lot of fun and can be really funny, but is often quiet with larger groups.  Like my dad, he is a big dreamer, but needs someone to be there to get him to actually follow those dreams.  My dad said that my mom would think of a destination and my dad would figure out how to get there.  Motoaki and I are the same.  And like my dad, Motoaki doesn't mind driving (which is kind of weird for a Japanese person- we went to Kyushu, the southern island in Japan, back when I didn't have a liscense so Motoaki was doing all of the long hours behind the wheel while I talked, sang, or read).

I hate that my dad won't get to meet Robin and or Toby's baby or that he won't be here to walk Maggie down the aisle.  I hate that we will never have a chance to fully clear all of the tension we felt with each other this past year.  But I am in some ways glad that I will never have to see him suffer, that I will never have to see him become old and unable to do the things he loved doing.  He and my mom will both be remembered as the jet setters that they were, rather than as some senile great great relative that makes great grandchildren and nursing home staff uncomfortable.

Do You Believe in Magic

2012: What the hell just happened?

2012 had to be one of the craziest years to date.  I wish I could go into detail, but it's going to have to be bullet points.  In case you haven't noticed (or you don't have Facebook), I'm a mom now...

Jan:  Rang in the new year in Iowa by our lonesomes.  My brother was back in DC, my dad was in Dallas, and Maggie was with her "BOYFRIEND" David.  That's ok.  Motoaki and I got subway and watched TV.

Feb: The main highlight was that I went to Sendai to do an English camp with kids who had been in the Tohoku disaster.  I was blown away by their English ability and their thoughts/feelings about the current state and future of Japan.

Mar: Another school year came to an end and I said good-bye to my favorite class.  I had been their teacher all three years of JHS and really felt like I knew every student.  I also said good-bye to a lot of great teachers: Ellie, Mike, Amy, Kym, Chie, Nick, Katie,...and my boss Carolyn.  We had a wild night out for St. Patrick's day to really send everyone off.  My dad and sister came for a short visit and I finally got the low-down on my dad's fiance, Sheila.  And I ended the month with an amazing trip to Vietnam with Amy and Kym.  It would have been more amazing if I hadn't been sick with...

April: A BABY!  At the tail end of March/beginning of April we discovered that we were pregnant.  Just what I needed as I started a new school year with new responsibilities as a head teacher for Okayama-ken.  Despite a lot of exhaustion, I was able to welcome my new intern, Michael Douglass, and some new teachers- Alice, Reiza, Andrew, and Curtis.

May: Spent Golden Week not doing anything except walking a 5k (ok so I got lost and it was less than that as I turned around early), shopping, and sleeping.  Spent the rest of the month trying to stay awake at work.  I would like to say that the only thing making me sleepy was the little baby I was growing, but truth was I had to deal with a lot of drama at home due to the surprise engagement of my father to Sheila.  Looking back, I was a fool to make such a big deal over everything, but at the time we all were feeling hurt by what we thought were too many secrets and lies.  On a more positive note, started the Maniwa Book Club and had about 12 members for our first meeting!

June: Dad, Sheila, Maggie, and David came for what was a fun yet somewhat strained trip.  We all managed to be polite but there was definitely trouble just beneath the surface.

July: Ended the school first school term and managed to be a lot more social this month by going to BBQs and hosting a party at our house.  Said good-bye to Amy and Dan, two people who had been in Maniwa for a long time.  Started swimming and getting serious about the whole prepping for a baby thing.  Headed home at the very end of the month.

Aug:  Was a crazy jam-packed month back in the US.  I spent the first week shopping and attending a birth class in Ames.  Found out we were having a girl so I could start buying seriously.  Spent the second week road-tripping out to DC with my Dad, Grandma, and sister.  Picked up Motoaki and had a wonderful time seeing family and celebrating my brother's wedding.  Had the trip of a life time touring DC and New York with my dad and grandma.  Though I had been to all of the sites before, this was Motoaki's first time, and sadly, my dad's last.  We didn't know it at the time but it has become a trip we can look back on as us being together and us being happy.  After that I rode home cross-country with Dad and Grandma and just listening to their stories and banter.  The following week I made a quick dash to Minnesota to check in with friends and to buy a lot before spending my last few days in Iowa with my sister, aunt, and friend Ashley.

Sept: Had another busy month at work as we had added a lot of new teachers that needed to be welcomed and observed.  Had yet another sports day.  It was very different as this year I couldn't really participate- neither in the teacher student race nor the karaoke after party...

Oct: A really crazy month as I raced to get everything done before going on maternity leave.  I welcomed the teacher replacing me, Liz, and got her ready for teaching my classes while I would be gone.  I also got busy again coaching speech contest, though this year was a lot easier as we only had 4 students entered from my school rather than 11.  Added to all of this craziness was the dog, Tom, Motoaki and I adopted despite knowing better.  By knowing better I mean that it seemed a little much for us to adopt a dog a month before my due date, but we couldn't (or I couldn't) pass up a cairn terrier.  Plus, we thought it might be a good friend for Finn.  I was a little sad to miss Halloween this year but realized a pregnant woman had no sense being at an all-night party.

Nov: Started out well as my students took second and third place in the speech contest.  I went on maternity leave and spent my first week going to the mall and walking the dogs a lot.  On Nov 11th I had an amazing baby shower put on by the girls in town.  They had the great idea of all giving me a children's book since I already had a lot of baby stuff.  Unfortunately all of that happiness was cut short as I got news from home that my father had passed away.  Added to the shock and grief was the fact that I couldn't go home due to being so pregnant.  Spent the rest of the week calling home a lot and just vegging in front of the TV.  Not much changed the following two weeks.  My due date came and went and secretly I was relieved as I was starting to get nervous about birth and being a mother.

Dec: Started off the first day calm and relaxed and then got hit by surprise as our little girl, Robin Nagisa, decided to appear on the 2nd.  You can read the previous post for more on that.  She has pretty much monopolized the whole month.  We managed to go to church on Christmas and to have Christmas dinner with some friends, but other than that the holidays didn't really happen for us.  And in a way that was ok.  Without my dad it would have been too hard to do everything we normally do.

So you probably can't get it from the short bullet points, but 2012 was definitely emotional and full of ups and downs.  Though it will be a memorable year that we will all talk about for the rest of our lives, I am secretly glad to see it end.  2013 already has a lot of high points to look forward to.  I'll be going home in March to help settle my parents estate and to show Robin off to family.  My brother and his wife are expecting in July and we will all be together for my sister's wedding in December.  Though Robin is a cute and calm baby, I look forward to her developing into her own person.

Happy New Year!!

The Birth Story: Having a Baby in Japan

So it has been about 4 months since I last updated this blog.  I got tied up with work and my own self and kind of let it fall to the wayside.  But this year I really want to keep up with it.  I love going to other blogs and being able to pretty much read their life stories with all of their entries.  I think it is a great way to preserve a bit of myself and my family's history.  There is a lot to re-cap from the fall of 2012 but no time.  But I will document this because it is a pretty big deal.  It also helps explain why I kind of cut contact with a lot of people after having my baby.  So here goes.

Let me start by saying I was never one of those women who wanted a baby.  I have always wanted kids with kids being the key word there.  I am not a fan of infants and sadly, am still not.  There is just so much stress and panic that goes with having/caring for a newborn.  But let me back up.

I will say that getting pregnant and being pregnant was one of the easiest things I have ever done.  OK- so not as easy as becoming a karaoke legend, but a lot easier than I thought or was led to believe it would be.  For me the movies/stories are lies.  I never threw up, I never had swollen ankles (except for the car ride back from DC), I had heartburn like once.  I also never really felt the baby kick nor was I ever kept up by her moving.  I would feel her shift or roll around, but that was about it.  Even as I passed my due date it was really hard to feel that I was pregnant.  Leading up to the birth I was swimming, walking, cleaning, and pretty much acting as if I wasn't pregnant.

Also, for the most part, labor was pretty easy too.  Not easy, but not as bad as it could have been.  I was worried about being able to do it without an epidural but I did do it and all while managing not to kill my husband or the hospital staff.  I had actually gone in for an appointment on Saturday, December 1st feeling extremely normal.  The Dr told me that I wasn't dilated at all and that since the baby didn't seem to be coming, we should schedule an induction.  We told him we wanted to wait a little bit longer and we all agreed to meet again on Tuesday.

That afternoon we went shopping and then out for dinner with friends.  That night I started cramping and by early morning (3am) I was having regular contractions.  We headed to the hospital at 10 am only to be sent home again since I was only dilated at 1cm.  We then went back (at the urging of Motoaki's mom since I was having contractions every 3 minutes) and stayed, having the baby at 9:23pm that night.  It hurt, but I was able to push through it (pun intended) by pushing against Motoaki while he pushed back and by using the breathing I learned at the class in Iowa.

I will admit that when she was born I didn't feel quite the way that I thought I would.  Rather than being filled with the overwhelming love that you read/hear about, I mostly just felt tired and worried that she was going to suffocate on my chest since she couldn't hold her head up.  I didn't cry or get overly emotional.  When the nurses took her to clean her up and do tests, I was actually a little relieved, and I had no trouble giving her over to Motoaki and his mother and sister. I had kind of thought it might go this way, as I have never been one to get excited over things like my engagement or my wedding day, and figured it would get better over the next few days.

It didn't.  In fact, in some ways it got worse.  I could handle the no sleeping (this has long been one of my secret talents- one that served me well in college and at Camp Adventure), the crying, the diapers.  But I couldn't handle the breast feeding (STOP READING NOW IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE TMI).  She couldn't figure out nursing for the life of her (partially because I have flat nipples- there, now you know everything about me ) and for the first two days she didn't really eat.  Finally they asked to give her formula and I okayed it but felt pretty crappy about it.  Then one of the nurses found a special nipple shield that Robin would eat with, only it was a slow release shield that meant what would normally take a baby 40 minutes, would take her an hour- or two- or three.  I think the record was the day when she nursed from 3:00-6pm straight.  And even then I had to give her a bottle to make sure she gained weight.  Though I was happy to be nursing, I was starting to resent it as well as it was always a fight to start and then took forever.  Plus because she had lost weight we were having to wake her every three hours to eat.  Basically all I was doing was feeding her in a hospital room.  I wasn't allowing visitors because I was literally topless all day everyday and despite having Motoaki and his family drop by, I began to feel really isolated. 

I also think that I really started processing my father's death as well as being reminded that my mom was dead and that just made me even more depressed (loading the ipod, in hindsight, was not the greatest idea- great for singing along but also great for cuing endless tears about my family, as I had always known it, ending).

Another part of the problem was that I had Robin on Sunday and then Motoaki's dad had spinal surgery on Monday in a hospital an hour away.  This meant that his mother was now going every day to visit him and that Motoaki and his sister were the only two running the company.  This also meant that Motoaki's mom and sister couldn't check on the dogs.  So instead of staying with me at night as originally planned, Motoaki would come from about 7-12 and then go home.  I actually suggested this since I worried about the dogs.  Added to this were a bunch of other curve balls like one of Motoaki's coworkers father passing away, etc

It also didn't help to see all of these other people having babies and them being so happy about it.  That sounds horrible, but I felt like if I said I was overjoyed I would be lying and that if I said I was depressed and hating motherhood that I would come off as a bad person.

So anyway, the first week of motherhood was not the best.  Robin was a great baby (even now she rarely screams or freaks out) but I was just not feeling the whole mother thing.  It sounds horrible, but I began to relate to people who gave their kids up for adoption.  Or rather, I could see how it would be possible.  Fair enough, I felt the same way when I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw blinking Lima bean.  Rather than being overwhelmed by the miracle inside me, I thought that I could see how women got abortions without a second thought.  I am not proud of these thoughts or saying that I would ever have an abortion/give a child up for adoption, but I do see how people do it.

The second week got a little better as I got to go home and see the dogs.  Yeah, you read that right.  People always tease me about how much I love the dogs, but they are just such a comfort to me.  I really started crying uncontrollably when I saw them.  After being in the hospital for a week and not getting to go outside at all, it was the best thing in the world to walk the dogs on the bike path along the river.  I absolutely love that part of our house- that we are in town and yet so close to nature and, more specifically, a body of water.

Also, being home I had better internet access and I was able to talk a lot to the people in my Facebook group, the Momma Birds.  All of us had babies due around the same time so we are all going through the same things.  They were/are such a wealth of knowledge and support and made me feel stronger and more confident in what I was doing.

The third week I had visitors which was great as I got to speak English and just kind of be myself.  And in hearing them get excited about Robin, I got more excited about her.  I also went to book club which was very therapeutic.  It made me realize that Robin wasn't 100% reliant on me (she stayed with Motoaki for the two hours that I was gone) which made me relax a lot more.  I think that was part of my depression/anxiety- worrying that I was totally responsible for her well being and that I was failing.

The following week my sister and David came which helped too.  Finally, I just began to relax about the whole thing.  I feel bad that I started giving a lot more formula, but a happy mom makes a happy baby, right?  And I seriously doubt she won't get into Harvard based on that fact alone. I know that with the second baby it will be better and I will be more relaxed and probably able to do it.

So yeah- probably not the post you expected and not that much about Japan.  I will say that the biggest difference was obviously the language barrier.  I had thought about the mental challenge of having to translate everything, but I hadn't thought about the mental challenge of having to translate everything at 3am when a nurse stopped by to see why my baby was freaking out.  Also, though the support of the hospital staff was amazing and I enjoyed being able to relax/recover in the hospital, I do feel like it delayed our bond a little bit.  With American parents you kind of get thrown into the deep end, having to take baby home pretty much on their second day of life.  But in doing that you really have to step up and parent and face your fears.

It's been a month now and things are a lot better.  Robin is fine and each day as she develops her personality, I begin to get just that much closer to her.  I am sure that after a year I won't be able to remember or believe all of the feelings of detachment I felt in the first few weeks.  In fact, even now I see that in some ways I was being a bit silly- a bit of a baby.  But I wanted to write about them to let other new moms know that they weren't alone if they felt the same way.