My First Funeral in Japan: Part One

So over the past five years I have had a lot of firsts in Japan, some good, some bad, most of them confusing, a lot of them awkward.

Two weeks ago I had my first funeral in Japan and it was not good.  I mean, the service was probably adequate, but the whole experience left me a little cold.  However, as bad as this sounds, I was glad to go through it first for someone whom I only knew a little rather than for someone whom I am close to.  I now have a much deeper understanding of what Motoaki must have been feeling last March in Iowa. 

To back up a bit, on Friday October 28 it was announced that our coworker, Oshime-san, had passed away from heart complications.  He had been the special needs teacher and overall, from what I knew, a great guy.  I didn't work with him on a day to day basis but last year our desks were together in the teachers room.  Due his adequate English ability, I often asked him about simple things like where we were going to park for sports day or what time the kids would be leaving for their early dismissal.  I think to a lot of busy teachers it would have been annoying, but he was always very kind and patient.  I think it must go without saying then that he was great with the special needs kids.  They were always joking together in the hallways and you could tell that they adored him.  It was really hard to face any of those students that Friday.

I had known him enough to be somewhat upset, but I think others were surprised to see me get actually really upset.  This was selfishly due to the fact that he passed away in a similar way to my mother.  If he had been in a car accident or if he had suffered a stroke, I would have been upset but not so shaken.  But having to hear from the Principal words like, "heart surgery," "life flight," "great shock to family," hit me pretty hard and I was a wreck in front of the whole school body.  a lot of students probably wondered if I had been sweet on him or something.  The staff had been assembled and told in the teachers room, and of course many of them were upset, but for me it didn't hit until we were in the gym with all of the students.  It then became that awkward situation of the intern (a girl from England) and me not sure of what was going on and not wanting to ask people who were crying or comforting students.  So I went home on Friday thinking that we would be given instructions on Monday as to what was going to take place as far as a memorial.

Then on Saturday I went to speech contest and ran into the English teacher who had sat with Mr Oshime Sensei and me last year.  She is now teaching at a different school but had heard the news.  She asked me if I was going to the wake that night or if I would be at the funeral the next day.  I of course hadn't known about any of this and wasn't sure what the custom was (ie if just family were expected, etc).   She assured me that she could meet me the next day if I wanted to go.

So that night I talked to Motoaki and he advised me to go to the funeral.  He helped me pick out a dress (or rather told me the black one I wore to my mom's funeral was fine) and helped me prepare the money envelope.  In Japan it seems that money is needed for all occasions and that there are different rules for the money.  For example, for weddings the money goes in an envelope with a red ribbon and the money should be "new," as in you will stop at the bank and ask for crisp notes.  For funerals the money goes in he same envelope but with a black ribbon and the money should be old.  I had gone to the bank to get the money but it was new so Motoaki and I sat and folded it, crinkled it, etc  Seriously felt silly to me.  I mean, what grieving family is going to be like, "That foreign girl gave us new money- what an insult!"

Anyway, I didn't ask Motoaki too much about what I was going to be doing because I was a bit upset and didn't want to think about it.  As I said before, a lot of this was due to the fact that my mom passed last March.  I still cry over little things like putting a picture of her in a frame or hearing certain songs on a radio.  Having to actually talk about death was too much.  I just went to bed and figured I would just face the next day with a fresh start.