My First Funeral in Japan: Part Two

So the day of the funeral I was actually too busy to be really upset in the morning.  This was because it was Halloween weekend and my friend was coming to visit from up north.  She had taken a night bus down and I had to pick her up at 6am in a town about 40 minutes from me.  Then, after getting back to my house and showing her the spare room, the bathroom, etc I was too awake to go back to sleep.  So I watched TV (WE GOT CABLE!!!) with Finn and just let my mind wander while she napped.  I then got ready to go and left her to the computer and the dog.

The funeral was in a town about 30 minutes from mine and the other teacher had told me that it was at a place called Cosmos Hall.  Because Cosmos is one of the words put in simple Japanese and also because it is a small town that I have been to countless times, I didn't look it up on the map and just asked the girl at the super market counter (I had to run in and buy black hose as all of mine are nude- the Japanese tend to be over dressed so thought I better not risk it) where it was.  It turned out to be in the opposite direction as to where I thought so I thanked her and left.

My Japanese is ok but since directions are hard in any language, I pulled off again and asked a guy directing parking at a farmers market where I needed to be.  He told me it was just up the hill so I thanked him and headed off.  I arrived at what turned out to be Cosmos Hill, aka a field full of flowers, and realized that this was where the supermarket girl had been thinking I was going to.  This amused me as I was in all black, it was raining, it was like 9am, and I was all alone.  I went back down the hill and showed the parking guy my money envelope.  He realized right away the mistake and began apologizing before getting me turned around.  By this time i was running on time as opposed to the early that I had wanted to be.  To add to this was the fact that every other block there was a sign for Cosmos something or other (I had forgotten that this town is famous for these flowers and that practically everything was named for them) and i kept getting off the main road only to find more flowers.  Finally I spotted a taxi carrying some students from my school (side note- what parent would send a student by themselves in a taxi to a funeral?!?) and followed that to the Cosmos Hall.  I had worried that I would be the last one there, but there were more cars in front of the taxi and more behind me all going to the same place.  There were too many people to find the teacher I had seen at the speech contest the day before but it was easy to spot my staff so I headed towards them.

The actual building was quite confusing.  It was actually two buildings connected by an overhead roof that you see at banks, drive throughs, etc.  In front of the first building was a table where people were signing and giving their money.  This was being run thankfully by more of my coworkers so they were able to tell me what to put where.  Still, I made a fool of myself by not knowing my address (I know the gist of it but couldn't remember what was what for the house number and the zip-code).  I had written it on a card in my purse but had not brought my purse as I didn't think I would need it.  Oh well, I guessed and I don't think it will matter.  Even if I am entitled to a thank you note/gift, it is unnecessary.  

After doing this I went opposite of the first building to stand with my staff under the overhead.  From where I stood I could see into the doors of both buildings and could make out that one seemed to be filled with people and flowers for the actual ceremony and that the other was more of a lounge for what I assume was used for family.  More and more people kept coming and, after giving their money, lining up outside the two buildings.  I saw a ton of former coworkers (in Japan teachers are transferred around so every year we lose about five teachers) but couldn't talk to them because of the somberness of the event.

After about an hour of this some chanting came on over a loud speaker but people still kept arriving and talking.  There didn't seem to be a start time.  I kept waiting to be told, "oh now we will go and sit," or, "the ceremony has begun" but honestly nothing changed. I seriously had no clue what was going on.  I thought that maybe the chanting was a prelude like music at church, but it was seriously going on for an hour.  Then all of the people outside (about 100 or so) made a long line to go into the building that had all of the flowers and what not.  I made out that we were going to be proceeding in to see the casket, and I got nervous because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do once I got in there.  Luckily I was behind a younger English teacher so I knew I could ask her if faced with something really confusing.

Inside the room it was very dark and very smoky.  The actual room was set up like a western service with people on chairs, and I realized that we had been outside because the space wasn't big enough.  I was wandering why we didn't have it at the school, but maybe his family didn't expect so many students/staff.  We walked slowly down the aisle as each person took a moment in front of the casket before moving on to one of two small altars that had bits of incense burning in them.  I had read a story in my Japanese text book about an American who ate some sand stuff at a funeral because he thought other people were eating it when in fact they were just touching it  to their lips and eyes.  When it came my turn to stand in front of the incense I did nothing as I didn't want to do it wrong and offend anyone.  Also, I am of the belief that just like non-Catholics don't take communion at a Catholic service, as a non-Buddhist I shouldn't really take full part in things like this out of respect. 

The hardest part was that, after going up to the casket and standing by the incense, I had to go over to the immediate family and bow.  Of course they were pretty upset and I felt bad that they had to receive anyone at that time. I am thankful that in a western funeral we just put the family to the front and let them be.

After I went back outside everyone again lined up in front of the buildings as we listened to more chanting.  At one point the daughter spoke and then at another some uncle or other.  It was hard to hear and I couldn't understand most of it.  Then the casket was brought out and put in a hearse.  I am not sure, but i think that since people are cremated in Japan the family goes on to the place where that is performed similar to the family going to the cemetery in the west.  Then people just started to walk back to their cars and head home.

It was soooooo strange to not have any music or a speech by a priest/minister.  With cultural differences at other ceremonies (weddings, graduations,etc) I have often thought, 'Oh, that's weird/different,' but never before have I ever thought "I'm so glad I was raised in the west."  After that funeral, I was definitely thankful to the fact that, though my mother's service was pretty hard to get through, that there had been music, comforting words from a spiritual leader, and even some laughter.  I remember Motoaki saying that her funeral had felt bright to him and that he was surprised by how, when we were at the wake, people were a mixture of crying and chatting.  I think part of it is that in the west we have a bit more time before the funeral.  This man passed on Friday and was put to rest on Sunday, but my mom passed on Monday morning and was put to rest on Friday.

I know it is a cultural difference, and I respect that, but dear Lord if I die in Japan give me a western service.  With Motoaki I might just have to have two...

Sorry if this was a heavy post, but just really wanted to write about it.  I also rambled a bit.

My First Funeral in Japan: Part One

So over the past five years I have had a lot of firsts in Japan, some good, some bad, most of them confusing, a lot of them awkward.

Two weeks ago I had my first funeral in Japan and it was not good.  I mean, the service was probably adequate, but the whole experience left me a little cold.  However, as bad as this sounds, I was glad to go through it first for someone whom I only knew a little rather than for someone whom I am close to.  I now have a much deeper understanding of what Motoaki must have been feeling last March in Iowa. 

To back up a bit, on Friday October 28 it was announced that our coworker, Oshime-san, had passed away from heart complications.  He had been the special needs teacher and overall, from what I knew, a great guy.  I didn't work with him on a day to day basis but last year our desks were together in the teachers room.  Due his adequate English ability, I often asked him about simple things like where we were going to park for sports day or what time the kids would be leaving for their early dismissal.  I think to a lot of busy teachers it would have been annoying, but he was always very kind and patient.  I think it must go without saying then that he was great with the special needs kids.  They were always joking together in the hallways and you could tell that they adored him.  It was really hard to face any of those students that Friday.

I had known him enough to be somewhat upset, but I think others were surprised to see me get actually really upset.  This was selfishly due to the fact that he passed away in a similar way to my mother.  If he had been in a car accident or if he had suffered a stroke, I would have been upset but not so shaken.  But having to hear from the Principal words like, "heart surgery," "life flight," "great shock to family," hit me pretty hard and I was a wreck in front of the whole school body.  a lot of students probably wondered if I had been sweet on him or something.  The staff had been assembled and told in the teachers room, and of course many of them were upset, but for me it didn't hit until we were in the gym with all of the students.  It then became that awkward situation of the intern (a girl from England) and me not sure of what was going on and not wanting to ask people who were crying or comforting students.  So I went home on Friday thinking that we would be given instructions on Monday as to what was going to take place as far as a memorial.

Then on Saturday I went to speech contest and ran into the English teacher who had sat with Mr Oshime Sensei and me last year.  She is now teaching at a different school but had heard the news.  She asked me if I was going to the wake that night or if I would be at the funeral the next day.  I of course hadn't known about any of this and wasn't sure what the custom was (ie if just family were expected, etc).   She assured me that she could meet me the next day if I wanted to go.

So that night I talked to Motoaki and he advised me to go to the funeral.  He helped me pick out a dress (or rather told me the black one I wore to my mom's funeral was fine) and helped me prepare the money envelope.  In Japan it seems that money is needed for all occasions and that there are different rules for the money.  For example, for weddings the money goes in an envelope with a red ribbon and the money should be "new," as in you will stop at the bank and ask for crisp notes.  For funerals the money goes in he same envelope but with a black ribbon and the money should be old.  I had gone to the bank to get the money but it was new so Motoaki and I sat and folded it, crinkled it, etc  Seriously felt silly to me.  I mean, what grieving family is going to be like, "That foreign girl gave us new money- what an insult!"

Anyway, I didn't ask Motoaki too much about what I was going to be doing because I was a bit upset and didn't want to think about it.  As I said before, a lot of this was due to the fact that my mom passed last March.  I still cry over little things like putting a picture of her in a frame or hearing certain songs on a radio.  Having to actually talk about death was too much.  I just went to bed and figured I would just face the next day with a fresh start.

Something Random

Read this blog entry and had to share.  HILARIOUS!!

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Words for Wednesday: The Women and The Rules of Civility

So sorry if the first title is misleading.  The book I read is not the same as the movie, The Women, which was released in 1939 and remade in 2008.  I must admit that when I bought the book I thought it was the one for the movie ( a story that has only female characters and deals with all sorts of drama) and was quite surprised at the book starting with a Japanese man driving to Wisconsin.

For having picked out the wrong book, I lucked out as it dealt with two extremely interesting topics: Frank Lloyd Wright and a "fictional yet based on truth" Japanese apprentice.  It actually focused on the many loves of Frank Lloyd Wright and how that love influenced his buildings and his philosophy.  It also focused on his love affair with Japan, which was great since I had recently become interested in this after seeing the Imperial Tokyo Hotel (recreated at an open air museum near Nagoya) and an apartment building built by his son/grandson (I forgot) that Nana lives in near Tokyo.  This meant that not only was the book filled with crazy drama (I had no idea he had been married so many times to such characters- or about the murder/massacre of his first mistress and several employees at his home in Wisconsin), but it also had a lot of stuff about Japan and Japanese that I didn't know.  For example, I learned from this book the phrase "Sumeba miyako," which, loosely translates to "Wherever you live you come to love," which perfectly sums up how I feel about Japan.

Anyway, I highly recommend the book.  It is looong but because each of the women Frank Lloyd Wright was involved with were so different, it feels like each part is a new story.

The other book I read while I was away from blogging was The Rules of Civility which is about a group of three friends whose lives are changed during the year of 1938.  Set in New York City you get the typical "30s" feel for cocktails and anything goes life as well as a lot of fresh takes on people in their late twenties trying to make something of themselves.  I especially related with the main character, Katy, or rather I greatly admired her.  She seemed to be living the life I had once dreamed of for myself, working at an up and coming magazine (similar to what I assume Vanity Fair must have been like at that time) and getting a glimpse of what life is like for the rich.

There is one scene where a man she has been seeing comes to her place for the first time and he goes about noticing and commenting on her choice of books as well as how they are arranged.  It is silly, but it is exactly the kind of scene my Jr high self imagined for my college self.  Anyway, the book doesn't seem to have anyone significant event but it is amazing to see how the friends change and come out in the end.  Another highly recommended read.

huckleberry FINN!!

So I have been MIA since July.  I wanted to do a sort of catch up but I am beyond that point.  Life for the past three months has been exciting but busy, as always.  As a Stalter I can't remember a time when I didn't have a million things going on at once, so things have been fine, but the blog has definitely been a victim of this.  I will try not to "fall off the wagon" again.

 

So anyway, thought I would write about at least one thing that has kept me off the computer.  A little over a month ago Motoaki and I went to Osaka/Kobe to do a major hunt for some household stuff.  We were in search of curtains, a sofa, a bed, and then a million little small things.  This is easier said and done because, a) we both wanted to make sure we were getting a good deal (and thus wanted to shop around) and b) we hadn't really decided on anything like color/size/shape, etc.  This was fine because it was a three day weekend and we had time.  We ended up staying two days and even went to two different Ikea's. 
After finally deciding on everything we made one last stop at Costco to stock up on cheese, Dr. Pepper, meat, sauces, and bagels.  Our car was overflowing but we decided to check out the Home Center (Lowe's/Home Depot) across from Costco to see if they had a hose (since we have a large yard).  It just so happened that this super Home Center also had a pet store (as they oddly often do- I am not sure why Japan sees pets as hardware...) and that the pet store was having a "Ko Inu Matsuri" or "Puppy Festival."

Even before we had the house and the ability to have a pet we would go and look whenever we happened to be somewhere that sold dogs.  This is partially because I am always on the look out for carin terriers in Japan.  I know they are out there (after looking online and on youtube) but I have yet to see one.  So when we got to the pet section I automatically did a quick lap of the place looking for a "Toto."

While I was doing that, Motoaki was busy falling in love with a Yorkshire Terrier/Shih Tzu "half" puppy that was on sale.  When I had seen to every cage and had given up on getting a "Lissie or Looe," Motoaki called me over to this dog.  Usually in Japan dogs are around $1000~1500.  On sale they go for $500.  This little guy was only $300.  He was cute, but I was concerned about why he was going for a bargain.  We called a staff member over and they explained that he was on sale because a) he was already 4 months (a bit old for puppies) and b) he had an under-bite (which we hadn't noticed and probably wouldn't have noticed til we had gotten him home).

This was when we started "thinking."  We had the house/money/want for the puppy.  We also "sort of" had the time (even though we are both busy with work, we don't go out too much at night and don't have kids).  My main hesitation was that the dog wasn't a girl (I have concerns about boy dogs being frisky and their desire to mark things) and the fact that we had JUST moved and had new furniture.  Not to mention tatami floors (a kind of bamboo mat that I doubt could handle a puppy accident).  BUT this was by far the cheapest dog we had seen in all of our "looking" over the past five years and also one of the cutest.

So we caved and got him (of course).  We named him Finn after Huckleberry Finn.  I was trying to think of good dog names but most of them were too hard or too weird for Motoaki to say (Elmer, Woodrow, Norman).  I had always said that I would have two dogs named Dexter and Stuart, after my hometown, but with the popularity of the show Dexter (about a serial killer named that) we decided against it.  I then started thinking of literary characters and thought about Tom Sawyer.  But because Finn is a mutt and kind of a "cast-off" (not to us but at the store that day), we thought Huckleberry was better.  Then Motoaki thought about how Finn can also refer to a surfboard fin or a Dol-phin and we just left it at Finn.

Things for the past month have been fairly good but also a bit of an education.  One amazing thing about Japan is that there is the trend of "potty training" dogs to go on little diaper pads.  And, one advantage of Finn being four months old was that the shop had trained him to do this already.  He still misses now and then but that is usually when he is excited and in a room where the pad isn't nearby.  As far as for when he is in the kitchen he is fine and also for when we are at work.  He also is smart enough to sit, lay down, and play fetch already. 

One bad thing about him having been in a crate for four months is that he isn't quite socialable yet.  He is fairly good when he is calm but when he is excited he is VERY nippy.  As in can't be stopped.  We are hoping that he will grow out of this (as others have assured us he will) but I am a bit worried.  Every thing I read says that the way to get him to stop is to scream whenever he bites and acts like he has hurt us.  Normally that would be enough for the dog to realize it is unacceptable to bite.  But that doesn't work for him.  We're hoping to get him to dog training too, but it has been hard finding someone in the area or a time that works for us.

He is also afraid of other dogs and strangers.  Not a bad thing really, but I worry.  I've had dogs before but they always had other dogs to relate to.  They also had five people in the house as apposed to just two.  Well, accept for Lissie.  Anyway, he has been fine when people have come over but he gets super scared on walks whenever we encounter another dog or even a lot of people.  Scared as in running home as fast as possible.  However we took him to a dairy farm/camping place one weekend and he was fine there.

Going to the vet in Japanese has been hard but they are very patient and nice to me.  Finn is also really good for them and never nips the staff (even when getting a thermometer put you know where).  He also did well at the groomers (except for getting upset when she was trying to clean/trim the inside of his ears, but that is no surprise considering it was his first time).

Anyway, sorry for writing so much.  Just wanted to give you a "backstory" so that when Finn comes up in future entries, you know what I am on about.  And of course, add some pictures...

Words for Wednesday: Heidi (July 3)

So I forgot to bring my 100 Years of Solitude to work the other day and was faced with about 3 hours of nothing to do (I was at an elementary school that only had a half day because summer vacation is starting).  Luckily I have a smart phone that has some free book downloads.  So, after browsing through a bunch of random classic titles, I decided to read Heidi.

I have seen the movies before and most likely read some version of the story in childhood, but this is the real deal (again, back to what I said in the last post about reading classics that don't skimp on vocabulary).  I am surprised at how there isn't a real villain (yet) but rather just some adults that are taken aback by Heidi's rough upbringing of living with an old man in a cabin in the woods. 

In the cartoon I watched over and over and over again as a child, the movie started out with the Grandpa being quite scary.  He then turned nice and was replaced by the evil governess and guardian, Fräulein Rottenmeier.  And there was also an evil rat.

I would think that this would be a little boring for small children reading/listening to the story being read considering most books have a strong "good vs evil" element.  Though Heidi feels a little trapped, all of the motives of the characters are explained to the reader and so we understand that they have good intentions.  For example, in the movie Heidi gets locked away in some evil plot, but in the book she is merely sent to her room.  Of course, I am only half way through.  It might get "evil" the further I read.

What is nice is the added detail of life in that day and age.  I love history and am always happy to step into a new era.  I like the descriptions of what daily life is like for Grandpa/Uncle up on the mountain and how he makes/grows/raises everything he needs.  I also like the details about Peter's (the goat herders) life and how he only goes to school when it is cold or snowing.  The descriptions of old Frankfurt are wonderful too.  For example, when Klara's father asks Heidi to get him a "fresh glass of water," she leaves the house and walks several blocks to a pump.  And while she is there, a man asks if he might use her glass to get a drink before she returns

Anyway, though it is a classic it is meant for children so it is an easy read and flows along quickly.


PS Two totally new revelations.  Heidi was brunette and Swiss!  I always thought she was German and Blonde!  And her real name is Adelheid and Heidi is considered a stange name by the cultured people in Frankfurt.  Who knew?  Next thing I know I am going to read that Dracula was a woman or that Alice in Wonderland was a Russian girl!

Something I meant to Post Before Summer Break

SUMMER!

Today is my last day in the office so I better blog now as I might not be so inclined to do so when I am not near my computer

Though tomorrow starts about 7 weeks of no school, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with all that I have planned and need to sort out.  I am trying to take what would be a normal amount of activities for a US summer vacation and cram it into a Japanese summer vacation.  So here are my plans in bullets...

*PACK  Though we won't move into our house until the last week of August, I am going to be all over the place before then.  So, I am going to use the next two "free" days to get the bulk of my stuff in boxes.  Labeled boxes.  As much as I love Motoaki, I don't trust him to sort things in an orderly/logical fashion.

*SET UP BOUND IN JAPAN WORKSHOPS  My brother's friend from the Japanese embassy is coming to Japan to conduct art workshops for foreigners living here.  At the workshops non-Japanese will create "book art" that will then be displayed at an exhibit in Okayama city.  The workshops will be in September, but as the same with packing, I need to get on it now to make sure things go smoothly when I get back.

*SEE PAUL OFF  Paul is a teacher who worked in town and who is leaving.  He will have a blow-out party in the big city of Okayama and everyone is making the trek to dance the night away.  Though we are sad to see Paul go, it is also a sort of "welcome to summer" bash.

*WELCOME ANDREA Andrea worked here a few years ago and left in 2009.  She came to my wedding and even met up with Maggie in Korea so I want to make the effort to spend some time with her.  Possibly costume Karaoke.

*NAGOYA/OSAKA/TSUYAMA/TOKYO Maggie and Dad got ridiculously priced tickets to come to Japan so I am going to spend roughly a week and a half trying to show them things they haven't seen before.  I am thinking the Toyota Automobile Museum, the Osaka Aquarium, clubbing (at least for Maggie), Nagashi Somen, etc

*AMERICA And after all of the above (plus some odd work and a training day in Okayama) I am going to the US.  I will most likely be stopping off in Minnesota, possibly DC, and of course Iowa.  I am also going to try and sort through some of my mom's things to begin the process of... well, not sure what to say.  Basically my main goal will be to go through her books and decide what to keep and what to donate.  I will also help with whatever areas Dad and Maggie are up to tackling such as clothes and what not.  Of course, I am also going to devote an enormous amount of time in America to eating (STATE FAIR) and cuddling Lissie and Looe.  And I will be catching up with friends and family.

So anyway, maybe not the most relaxing of vacations but it will be exciting and a much needed change of pace.  A little jealous of Amy and Kellie who are going to Europe, but I DID get to go there last Christmas.